Positive Parenting

Do you feel frustrated or annoyed with your child/children’s behavior? Have you become the yelling and nagging parent? It is no surprise how overwhelming it can be when your child doesn’t listen, has temper tantrums, and does the opposite of what you ask. Repeating and reminding gets frustrating and then you may start yelling. Afterwards you may feel guilty, like the “bad” parent and are unsure of how to break this cycle.

I did a great webinar the other day on "Positive Parenting Solutions" with Amy McCready. I learned a lot from the webinar and felt it would be helpful to share some of her concepts and positive parenting solutions.

Kids core emotional needs are based on attention and power. If they don’t get their dose of positive attention and power they become whiney, clingy, or act helpless. Need to feel a sense of control of their little world. When they feel powerless they will act out in ways to gain attention. Power rush to get parents all bent out of shape. This can become quite frustrating for parents. You may say something like "if you keep whining, you are going to go in time out," or you have until 3 to stop whining or else we are not going to your friends house." Giving a Time-out or counting 1-2-3 creates a power struggle and your kids learn that they don't have to listen the first time.

A parent's yelling, punishing, bribing, nagging may help in the short term but your child/children's same behaviors end up occurring over and over again. Nothing seems to get better. Misbehavior is never just a kid problem. Parents play a core role in their child/children's behavior and if we don’t address ourselves we wont change the behavior and make things better for our whole family.

"The 5 R’s of Consequences

Respectful: the consequence must be respectful, which means no blaming, shame or pain. For example, "you never listen, you should be ashamed of yourself." Use a calm voice and if you can’t be calm don’t deal with the issue it in that moment.

Related to misbehavior: the consequence needs to relate to the misbehavior (i.e. if you are not brushing your teeth, then anything that might turn to sugar is off limits for eating for the rest of the week).

Reasonable in Duration: the consequence should be age appropriate. For example, a 4 year old – throwing toys, it would be reasonable to take toys away for the day. For a teen that may be texting during dinner the consequence could be be taking their phone away for a week.

Revealed in Advance: the consequence should be revealed to the child in advance which will allow the child to have the power to make a choice. Explain to the child that the appropriate behavior is …. and the consequence is …. This is a win-win because it gives the child the choice but parent sets the limits and guidelines.

Repeated Back to You: the agreement between the child and parent. The child repeats back to the parent what the behavior and consequences will be so that everyone is on the same page and there is an agreement in place." - Amy McCeary

For more information and more helpful Positive Parenting Solutions, visit http://www.positiveparentingsolutions.com
 

Who Said Parenting Would Be This Challenging?

My parents made it seem like parenting was a piece of cake and provided me with no warning signs of the challenges that may lie ahead. Parenting is such an awarding experience but presents many ups and downs based on your child's age, temperament and personality. Parenting strategies that may work for one child may not work another. There are a couple main parenting concepts that are essential to creating happiness between a parent and child.

First and foremost, keep your emotions in check. Become mindful of what triggers your emotions. What buttons does your child push that makes you feel angry or frustrated? Before screaming identify the emotion and use breathing techniques or other tools that will be helpful in keeping calm. Screaming at your child is not going to get your point across about how you want them to behave. Think about what your child is learning from you as you scream at them. As a parent you are the most influential role model. Take your role seriously!

Clear Expectations: Clearly defining your expectations is key in helping your child understand how they should behave and what you expect from your child. Communicate to your child what is expected of them in an age appropriate manner. This will change based on the child's age and when your child gets older your expectations may need to be modified.

Consistency: you have to employ rules and disciple consistently through every challenge. If you are not consistent your child may not clearly understand your expectations. If one day you expect your child not to hit their siblings and they get a time out or something taken away and the next day they do the same thing but don't get disciplined this will send a conflicting message and the child won't understand how they should be behaving.

Both parents need to be on the same page with the same expectations and consistency. Otherwise your child may try to manipulate one parent and play off of both of you. Kids are smart and will do what it takes to get what they want. Parents need to support each other even if they don't totally agree with the discipline. You can discuss your approach later.

Overall, children strive on structure, boundaries and expectations. It may be difficult at first to establish these ground rules and basic practices, but once you do everyone will be happier! It is not always easy being a parent, but you are in control of making things better. You can do this!

If you feel you need additional guidance with parenting, seek a licensed counselor that can help you implement effective expectations, communication and consistency and hold you accountable for your parenting style!
 

Finding Balance & Making Time For Self-care

Many of us have so many responsibilities in our lives that we need to forget to make time for ourselves. Sometimes our lives can be so full of things that need to be accomplished, never ending lists that get checked off and then more tasks are added. Does it ever end?

In a fast pace lifestyle it can be very challenging trying to find balance and manage stress. Balancing being a parent, spouse, daughter/son, colleague, student can be overwhelming and cause a wide range of emotions. When we begin feeling overwhelmed, some individuals may feel sad, anxious, angry or irritable.

Each day presents its own challenges and it is very important to take a step back and make time for self-care. Self-care is important for emotional health, feeling balanced, and stress management.

Think of something that you truly enjoy and make time each week to do that something that makes you feel relaxed and happy. Everyone needs time to shut off their crazy, hectic schedules and focus on themselves.

Some self-care strategies for overall stress reduction include:

Getting enough sleep. Turn off your television and computer and go to bed earlier. This can be challenging because technology may be your only relaxation time at the end of the day, but we all need sleep in order to function the next day.

Maintain Social Support. Social support can be helpful in lifting your spirits, feeling connected, and feeling a sense of belonging. Family and friends can be a good listeners and may be able to help you process your thoughts and feelings when you are facing personal challenges.

Finding a Hobby. Having a hobby that you enjoy can make you feel happy when you are facing challenges. It gives you a time-out so that you can focus on something enjoyable. Having hobbies has been helpful for individuals and families to find balance and reduce stress. If you are unsure of what hobby you should do, think back to when you were younger and think about the things you enjoyed, it may be sports, dance, collecting something, making jewelry, art, music. Take some time and explore your options. Look at your local community (park district, churches, etc) and see what classes are offered.

Exercise & Nutrition. It is important to maintain healthy nutrition. This can be a big challenge when you are on the go and convenance becomes essential. Make healthy snacks you can grab from your refrigerator or pantry. Exercise is also important because it helps reduce stress, anger, anxiety, and depression. Exercise is important for both your physical and mental health. Make time, even if it is a quick walk around the block.

Process your Emotions. Keeping your emotions bottled up and not effectively coping with them can lead to an emotional explosion. Learn how to process your thoughts and feelings and identify ways to help you cope with your feelings. If you are unsure of how to process your thoughts and feelings, seek a professional counselor that can help teach you how to process thoughts/feelings and provide you with useful coping skills to keep your emotional balance in check.

Helping Your Child Cope With Anxiety When Going Back To School

It is that time of year again where your child/children are going back to school. It is challenging knowing that your schedule is going to change again and you are going to have to help your child adjust to the pressures of school, homework, and after school activities.

Some children worry about going back to school. Who will their teacher be this year? Will they know anyone in their class? Will they get bullied again? As a parent, how can you help your child cope with the anxieties of a new school year.

1. Having a Plan. Sometimes children worry about where their new class room is located or what bus they are suppose to take. Take some time before school begins to identify the new school plan/schedule and how to accomplish each task. Take your child to visit their school before the first day and show them where their classroom is or what bus stop they are suppose to go walk to. This will help relieve worries the first day of school.

2. Helping your child when they are feeling overwhelmed. After your child attends their first day of school, they may feel overwhelmed with expectations, homework, and adjusting to their new schedule. Talk to your child about what they are thinking and feeling and validate their concerns. Take time to help your child identify solutions to their concerns. Identify and discuss positive ways your child coped with their concerns in their past.

3. Practice Self-care. It is very important that during a time of adjustment that both parents and children take time for self-care. Make time to do something that you and your child/children enjoy. It can be challenging at first when your child has homework to do, but sometimes they need a couple of minutes to unwind and refocus their brains before they do their homework. Have a plan in place that both you and your child can agree upon of when a good time to do homework will be after school. Be consistent and follow through with the agreed upon plan.

If you feel like your child is struggling with anxiety beyond the first weeks of school, seek professional counseling services. Professional counseling can help understand what is triggering your child's anxiety and teach them ways to cope with their thoughts and feelings. It is important to address any concerns so that these challenges can be resolved and your child can have a great school year!