The 1-2-3’s (and “4”) of Thought Stopping: How to Stop Your Negative Thoughts from Snowballing

If you’re like most people, you probably find yourself on the occasional “hamster wheel” of negative or unhelpful thoughts; that is, the thoughts just keep going around and around and around and around until you’re so dizzy and exhausted that you just about fall down from thinking about it. Even worse: your thoughts snowball. It start off as a small, somewhat negative or unhelpful passing thought, but then it gets a little bigger, occupies a little bit more of your mental energy and time, and continues to grow until it’s all consuming, self-defeating, and downright exhausting.

Many of my clients relay to me this all-too-common cycle of thinking and how it almost inevitably ends in a panic attack, a sleepless night, or an unproductive day filled with nothing but worry. When I hear this, my first line of defense is always Thought Stopping.

As you can probably gather from the name, the act of Thought Stopping is exactly that: putting a stop to all those unhelpful, negative thoughts. As with anything, it’s easier said than done, but with enough practice and consistently applied application, you’ll be well on your way to getting off your own hamster wheel.

Step One: Catch the negative thought. Okay, this seems really obvious, but it needs to be said. Throughout a day we all have thousands of thoughts, whether we are aware of them or not. No, I’m not about to go off on a long and drawn out Freudian “unconscious thought” tangent, but the statement is worth exploring. How long into your negative thought cycle are you until you realize you’re back on the hamster wheel? For some people, this step is easy. If it is, high-five to you and move onto the next step.

 If it isn’t, try keeping a simple “thought log.” You can practice this in five-minute increments, or you can track your thoughts throughout the day. For instance, take 5 minutes out of your day to write down every thought you have in a time span of five minutes. It can be as simple as “I’m hungry” or “I’m thinking about this activity” to as deep and complex as “I’m not really sure what I’m doing with my life.” This five-minute kick-starter activity will help you to become more aware of the thoughts you have, and will hopefully help you to identify your negative thoughts as they crop up.

To track your thoughts throughout the day, keep a sheet of paper or a little notebook with you, and jot notes on your thoughts anytime you’re aware of any thoughts you have. Again, they can either be profound or simple. This act of acknowledging your thoughts and taking note of them will bring awareness to the thoughts you have throughout the day, and will increase your likelihood of catching your negative thoughts before they snowball.

Step Two: Stop the negative thought. I must be joking, right? Seriously though, we need to cut that sucker off until it snowballs into something unmanageable, right? There’s a number of ways to go about cutting off your thoughts in their tracks. Whenever I teach this to my client, I always make the “chopping” gesture with my hands (you know the one- left hand flat, palm up, and parallel to the floor, right hand perpendicular to the left and comes down the middle of the left in a sort of “chopping” fashion), and I’ve done this so much so that now any time I think of thought stopping I automatically think of that gesture. For me, I might either think of that gesture or actually do the gesture if I wanted to stop a negative thought. When I teach this method to kids, I tell them to think of a huge red stop sign- one so big that they can’t see anything else. Some people like to say “STOP” out loud or in their head… anything to distract your mind from continuing down the path of your negative thought.

Step Three: Challenge the negative thought. In most cases—not all, but most—our negative thoughts are irrational, unhelpful, and biased toward one side of the argument. In this third step I challenge my clients to think of the evidence that doesn’t support their negative thought. For example, if a client tells me they feel like they don’t have a support system, I’ll ask them to challenge that thought and find that evidence that the thought isn’t true. When they think about it, they might say, “Well, I do have my one friend who says she's always there if I need her, but I’ve never actually tried leaning on her for support when I need it.” If they continue thinking on the matter, they might also add something to the effect of “my co-workers are always asking how I’m doing, but I never actually open up to them.” Okay, good. Now we’re getting somewhere. In most cases, there’s some counter-evidence to our irrational, negative thoughts, and we just need to dig a little deeper to find it. Keep pulling up evidence that negates your negative thought until you don’t feel its effects anymore. Once we acknowledge the counter-evidence and “let it marinade,” then suddenly our original, negative thoughts don’t have much ground to stand on.

Step Four: Change the thought and move on. This is the point that you jump off your hamster wheel. In step three, we’ve put the negative thought to rest by knocking down some of its validity. At this point, it’s time to move on. Think of something else unrelated. Think of something happier, more helpful.

If the thought crops up again, repeat the steps until it’s laid to rest yet again. Thought stopping isn’t always perfect, and it certainly isn’t a “once-and-done” sort of deal. It takes practice and persistence. The more you do it, the more likely you are to find it to be a successful tool to add to your box of coping mechanisms. Give it a few weeks and see if it’s a good tool for you. Good luck!

If you have questions about thought stopping, application of this skill in your life, or to schedule an appointment to explore more useful coping mechanisms to help you manage, please don’t hesitate to contact me at lauren@lbcounseling.com

Written by: Lauren Buetikofer, MA, LPC

Creating A Safe Grieving Space

Going through grief is one of the most challenging times in someone's life. You may be experiencing a range of thoughts and emotions that are difficult to cope with. By creating a Safe Grieving Space, you allow yourself to feel comforted in an area that is safe to process hurtful thoughts and feelings. Find an area in your house where you can process your grief. You can create a space where you feel relaxed with pictures, candles, flowers, scents, pillows or anything meaningful that can help guide you through your grief process.

Once you have created your space, dedicate 10-15 minutes a day to process through your thoughts and feelings. This will help you move along your grieving journey and help you find inner peace. You may be thinking, what should I do in my Safe Grieving Space? A couple of suggestions to get you started is do some deep breathing, meditation, or praying. Play some light music and journal about your thoughts and feelings towards your loved one's passing. You may also take this time to look at old pictures or keepsakes, or maybe you can take this time to create a Memory Book.

The goal is for you to create a safe grieving space that makes you feel comfortable and really make it your own. Allow yourself to be in touch with your inner thoughts and feelings and try to make peace with your loss.

Finding Peace During The Holidays When Your Loved One Has Passed

One of the biggest challenges of grief is allowing yourself to enjoy the holidays when a loved one has passed away. You may be thinking "the holidays are not going to be the same," "how are we going to keep our traditions the same?" These are all thoughts that individuals have when they have lost someone important to them.  You may be asking yourself, does it ever get easier during the holidays when a love one has passed away? Whether this is your first or fifth year without a loved one during the holidays, each year presents new emotions and challenges. 

Accepting that your love one won't be with you during the holidays is a difficult task, but they would want you to be able to find peace and enjoy yourself. One important thing is to give yourself permission to change traditions. If your loved one use to have a holiday at their house, it is okay for another family member to have the holiday. Don't isolate yourself at home because you can't have the same tradition you use to. Identify your thoughts and feelings about having the holiday at someone else's house and try your hardest to make peace with the change.

Be honest with your friends and family about the challenges you are experiencing in regards to your loved one being gone during the holidays. If they are aware of what you are experiencing they will be more understanding of your thoughts and feelings.   

Involve your passed love one during your holiday celebration. Create a piece of them (picture, basket, candle, stocking, ornament, etc) and have a moment where you can talk about the loved one. This will help you feel like they are with you and also keep their memory alive. You can talk about your favorite memories of them during the holidays.

Have an escape plan. As hard as it is, push yourself to go to a holiday party you are invited to, but have a plan to leave if you are having a difficult time. It is okay to feel sad about your loved one not being there for a holiday they use to be at. Communicate with your friends and family before the holiday and let them know that you are going to do your best to stay at the event, but if it becomes too difficult you will need to leave.

Give yourself time and the ability to feel joy and happiness during the holidays. It takes time to accept that your loved one is not around for the holidays. The grief and mourning process takes time and it is okay. It doesn't make you less strong to experience these emotions. Sometimes people feel bad for experiencing joy and happiness during the holidays when a loved one has passed. Your loved one would want you to move on with your life and enjoy the holidays. As challenging as the holidays can be, be mindful of your thoughts and feelings and identify your limits. You can only do so much.

If you feel like you are struggling with grief and are unsure of how to cope with the challenges of your loved one's passing, contact a counselor. Life Balance Counseling in Schaumburg has a Certified Grief Counselor on staff. Please feel free to call our office at 888.234.7628 or contact us online.

Pet Loss: How To Help Your Child Cope With Grief

Losing a loved one is a challenging experience for adults and often times can be very confusing for children because they are unsure of the various emotions they are experiencing. The loss of a pet may be your child's first experience with grief and is a great opportunity for parents to teach their child/children healthy ways to cope with grief.

A child may feel confused, sad, angry, or guilty and blame themselves for their pets death. A child may feel scared that other people or animals they love may leave them and may feel anxious or worried. Some parents feel they need to protect their child/children from experiencing their feelings. Parents may tell their child that the pet ran away or went to sleep to make their child feel better. Tell your child in an age appropriate manner of what happened to the family pet and help them learn to cope with their thoughts an feelings during this confusing time. It is better to be honest with children and allow them to experience grief in their own way with your guidance.

When it comes to the loss of a family pet, how do we help children cope with their thoughts and feelings?

• Parents need to express their own grief and loss of the pet. Don't hide your own thoughts and feelings towards the loss of your pet. Model your thoughts and feelings and the healthy ways you cope with grief. 
• Let your child express their grief. Let your child feel their emotions and offer them support and guidance during the process. Don't tell them not to cry. It is okay if they feel the need to cry.
• Educate your child about grief and loss and reassure your child. Help your child understand that the death of their pet was not their fault. Reassure them that other people they love are not going to die and talk to them about their feelings and concerns.
• Allow your child/children to be a part of the memorial for the pet. This helps the child/children learn about closure and honoring the pet. This will help the child process their thoughts and feelings towards their loss.
• Have your child write a letter or draw a picture for their pet. This is a helpful way for your child to say their goodbyes and get their feelings out about their loss.

If you feel like your child/children is struggling with their thoughts and feelings in relation to a pet loss, contact a Licensed Counselor and discuss ways to help your child cope with their loss. 
At Life Balance Counseling in Schaumburg we have a Certified Grief Counselor that can help. Feel free to contact us at 888.234.7628 for any help and guidance.