Being Assertive!

Has there ever been a time where you were afraid to voice how you felt about something because you feared the unknown? Well, you are not alone. Communication is very complex and not being able to predict how a situation will play out causes many people to second guess themselves or shutdown. Within this blog we are going to discuss the different communication styles with a focus on how to be more assertive. Having an assertive communication style will assist in gaining more self-confidence, being able to voice wants/ needs without fear of repercussions, and setting clear boundaries. If that sounds interesting to you, keep reading! 

First we will define the different types of communication styles. 

1. Passive: Individuals who tend to be more passive are ones who do not feel comfortable speaking up. They will brush things under the rug for the sake of not wanting to hurt the other person’s feelings or for not wanting to feel like they are a burden. Most of the times, these individuals will continuously let things build up until they reach a breaking point.

2. Aggressive: These individuals will not care about others thoughts and feelings and only put their thoughts and feelings first. At times, these individuals will not let others share their side of a situation as it does not matter to the aggressor.

3. Passive-Aggressive: A mix of the two just described. These individuals will not openly discuss what is wrong but will show they are upset. For example, will give one word answers, will slam doors, roll eyes, etc.

4. Assertive: Individuals who are assertive are able to communicate their side of a situation but also keep an open mind and hear the other person side and come to some type of agreement/ compromise.

You may have displayed all types of communication styles at one point in your life but the most effective one is assertive communication. Within this blog we will discuss different techniques to use to become more assertive. 

The first technique to be more assertive in conversations is to set clear boundaries. Let it be known to the other person what you are okay with and not okay with. At times this can be misconstrued as being “bossy” but if you are putting yourself in an uncomfortable situation for no reason other than not wanting to seem mean, in the end you are only hurting yourself. Setting a clear boundary with someone will not cause a conflict if you describe why you are doing so and do not make your tone condescending. The reason it is important to describe the reasoning behind setting the boundary is for the other person to have a clearer understanding and for you to remind yourself why you are setting the boundary in the first place. At times many people like to drop subtle hints in hope that the other person will catch on but unfortunately that is not always the case. In addition, tone is also something to pay more attention to. Tone is not something we can always be aware of ourselves but if you know you tend to have a certain tone/ attitude when talking, point it out (ex: I am sorry if that sounded snippy, I am just super frustrated by this situation). By pointing out your tone your acknowledging awareness and possibly defusing the other person’s need to become defensive. Below is a dialogue between two co-workers. One dialogue will set a clear boundary the other will not. 

No boundary dialogue: 

Coworker 1: Hey, I am super swamped with work do you think you can you can take on this extra project for me again like you did last week it was a huge help! 

Co-worker 2: (already swamped with own work): I am not sure, I have been pretty swamped myself. 

Co-worker 1: Oh please, you are such a hard worker! I know you can do it. 

Co-worker 2: Ok, yeah sure that is fine. I can do it for you. 

Co-worker 1: Thanks, you are the best! 

Boundary Dialogue: 

Co-worker 1: Hey, I am super swamped with work do you think you can you can take on this extra project for me again like you did last week it was a huge help! 

Co-worker 2: I am so sorry you’re feeling overwhelmed, I can relate.  Unfortunately, I cannot take on another project at this time with the workload I have. 

Co-worker 1: Yeah the workload lately has been causing me so much stress, are you sure you can’t do this project? 

Co-worker 2: Yeah, busy season is in full effect. If you’re feeling overwhelmed perhaps have a conversation with our boss and see if there is something that can be done? I can’t take on another project right now, I value our relationship but I am sorry if I was not helpful in any way. 

Co-worker 1: No, I understand. I will talk to the boss and go from there. Thanks! 

As you can see from the two dialogues above, the first demonstrated an individual who disregarded their own workload because they did not want to disappoint or cause a conflict between them and their co-worker. Whereas, in the second dialogue, the co-worker consistently stated they couldn’t take on another project, stated why, and empathized with how the other individual was feeling. 

Another way to be assertive is to change the verbs you use when making statements to make it more concrete. For instance, instead of saying words like “perhaps”, “might”, or “could” which suggest you may not be as confident in what you are saying you can change it to words such as “will”, “want”, or “chose to.” Below is an example of how changing the verb in the sentence changes the structure/ meaning of the sentence. 

“I might be going on vacation next week, so could someone cover my workload?” vs "I will be going on vacation next week, so I will need someone to cover my workload."

Concrete verb usage suggests more confidence in yourself, which is another way to be more assertive. If you are not confident in what you are asking for, what you are saying, or what you believe then it is difficult to be assertive. Don’t wait for someone to recognize what you need. Take the initiative, set your goals, and go after them. I know at times that can be easier said than done, but if you are constantly putting yourself last how can you get what you want? It is important to note that putting yourself first does not mean that your needs are more important than everyone else’s it means that they are equally important to everyone else. Once you see yourself as an equal rather than less than you will gain the confidence within yourself to communicate your needs more effectively. Most individuals struggle to be assertive in their communication because they may see themselves as less than or feel like they are an imposter in their own environment. We are our own worst critic, therefore it takes extra effort to build ourselves up but it is not impossible. Hype yourself up. Chose to be your own cheerleader and support. You are enough. You are worthy. You deserve to be treated with respect. 

These are just a few tools you can use to get started on your journey of becoming more assertive. If you feel like you struggle to communicate your emotions, opinions, and/or wants to individuals due to lack of self-confidence, fear of conflict, or lack of knowledge of how to set boundaries don’t worry as you are not alone. Counseling is a great tool that can help you build the confidence you need in order to take control of your life. Take the first step today and reach out. 

Written by: Daniella Raimondi, LPC

Setting Boundaries During A Pandemic

One of the most critical aspects of any relationship is setting boundaries. Boundaries are guidelines, rules, or limits that are tools to clarify how we want to be treated and how you want others to behave around you. Boundaries exist in multiple ways, including emotionally, physically, financially, and sexually. The benefits of setting boundaries are endless, including ensuring your needs are met, fewer arguments, reducing resentment, and having the time and energy to partake in self-care behaviors. Setting these boundaries is often challenging to do, and in our current pandemic, it has become more challenging. But, if we fail to set these boundaries, the result is often us feeling mistreated or used, negatively impacting our overall well-being. 

As our everyday routines and patterns have been significantly interrupted by the pandemic, so have our rules and limits we once set. For example, our work boundaries have become blurry as most of us are still working from home and will be doing so for the foreseeable future, which has caused many challenges, such as never detaching from our work. Before the pandemic, we could go to our offices and come home to an environment that was purely for relaxing and enjoyment. Whereas now, our workspace and relaxation space has merged, making it difficult to ‘turn off” either of these modes.  

We also have experienced trying to set boundaries about issues most of us have never dealt with before. For example, we must determine who we are comfortable seeing in person. If we require those, who come into our homes to wear masks. If our children should go to school in person and even if we set a limit on the amount of time, we engage with information that is related to COVID. 

Setting boundaries can take place in three simple steps. First, we must assess and define what our needs are because if we are unsure of what we need, it will be impossible to communicate this to others. It is important to note that our needs include our emotional needs, such as feeling loved, happy, and at peace. When assessing this, it is often useful to think about what boundaries currently exist and how they can be improved or altered. 

After defining what is important to us, we must effectively communicate this to others. To effectively communicate our needs, we must state them in a clear and concise manner, so there is no confusion or misunderstanding. While communicating, we should be thoughtful and calm and be aware of our body language. We should not over explain these boundaries as everyone has the right to determine what they do and what they do not do, and this should be respected.

The last step in setting boundaries is setting consequences. Setting consequences for the violation of these boundaries is one way in which we can pave the path for a positive outcome. By setting consequences, an individual will have a clear understanding of what will happen if they do not respect the boundaries we have made. If you are having difficulty setting boundaries with loved ones during this pandemic, please be sure to reach out to a mental health professional. Therapists at Life Balance Counseling are currently offering telehealth sessions, phone sessions, and in-person sessions with extra precautions. 

By: Mary Collins, LPC, CADC